It's been a while

Doubt anyone checks this thing anyway. Not that it matters.

I've been working like a dog... it's ok. Gives me something to get my mind off my health and my loneliness. A career gives me direction, books on tape and video games fill the empty noise - but nothing can seem to fill that hole inside me that is terribly hungry for something.

Truth is, just like Julie says, I'm at war and push away what I want most. I don't trust it. I deny myself and punish myself from having it. I know none of this makes sense to the outside reader but it does to me.

It's more than bad choices now. Now it's just a string of something bad. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Some I can guess, some I can't even fathom. Things aren't like they used to be. Maybe the world is right now, even though it doesn't feel that way. Suddenly I'm in high school again and I can't command anything I want. Why would I want it anyway?

I need to find something to fill the loneliness and sadness.