intensity

The emotion connected to memories lately is so intense I could cry.. the dreams I keep having are spooking me out. Memories, long-past, and I can't stop them from haunting me and my choices that got me here.

All of my furniture, clothing, blankets, items in this apartment seem broken, torn, ragged, just enough to let us get by. When we move one day I'd like to throw most of it out. I am starting to hate the lights on because then I see how worn everything is.

The light is not Long Island light. It isn't that glassy thin light that paints everything beautiful. It's powerful, spotlight-light that is unforgiving, and probably more accurate. That's sad.

The Amityville Horror - every childhood I knew of when I was growing up was one. That one just went further. No fairy tales...

Brian was so beautiful. I saw him as a doorway. An exit.

Really he was just a beautiful, gentle, fragile creature.

He trembled when I touched him.

Why does that memory hurt? Why am I thinking about it lately?

I walk out of my apartment and the tree outside stops me automatically. I sometimes realize I've been staring at it for a long time, stuck in place. Once Jarrod was behind me and I noticed a funny look on his face, but he didn't say anything. It makes me sad.

Like today, I walked out of my building. The breeze blew my pants slightly, the air was warm and slightly balmy. I stopped and just felt the air. I felt sad, instantly.

It feels like something has been lost, but I don't know what it is.