Erosion

I actually did some real coverletter work today. And researched the firms I'm applying to. Tomorrow everything should be easier, all I have to do is plug things in and email/fax the results. From now on it could be a system at work.

Two posts in a row -- wowie. Truth is, I've been so disconnected from reality lately that I don't even meet people's eyecontact. I noticed it today with Jarrod. I haven't felt the desire to connect, but I know I'll get over it.

The comments from people on my coverletter were super helpful, but also sent me into a psychotic anxiety attack. (not literally - I don't have psychosis, at least.) I felt so insecure and miserable it made me want to drag my feet even more.

But then Jarrod said the greatest thing at dinner.. he said.. "You're doing something that would make any person feel vulnerable." And wow.. that word, he was so dead on. That's exactly it. I'm putting myself out for sale, for auction, for evaluation, for judgment. And hell if that doesn't make me feel inadequate. But he's right -- ANYONE would feel that way. In fact, I know a few who are going through that right now.. even worse than me. The only thing that keeps me from crumbling is that I know how hard it will be. I've been through it before. I know how much it will suck. I just look at it and sigh. It's like when the vampires at the blood lab pull out the 10 vials and the huge needle (again), or when we find out our insurance costs were raised past what we can afford (again), or .. well, anything like that. It's just.. Oh well.

Some people just get so upset and rage against every little "injustice" or bother they have to go through. I just don't have that kind of energy. I just smile, or be polite, and make everything as pleasant as I can to get it overwith. No matter what it is.. post office mixups, work stress, whatever. But I guess by not losing my mind over every little thing, I end up also feeling eroded inside. Like every small pain in the ass ends up eating away a little piece of my soul, and I just go around empty for a while until I get that joy and hope back.

This whole employment thing does not leave me feeling like a failure... it leaves me feeling empty, as if a whole beach worth of hope, self esteem and joy has been ripped out into the tides....