Things just keep getting better.

Just kidding.

Well, fernando told me on friday that unless things go remarkably well with our owner guy this week at a meeting F is having with him, it's unlikely they will have the money to hire me back in August. So I have to pray either that works out or count on the grants I'm writing to come through.

I'm devastated.

I don't blame F for letting me believe things were going to go stellarly better than this, he thought they would too until he spoke to our funder earlier this week and got the distinct impression he was being fucked over. He encouraged me to keep looking for jobs, probably so he wouldn't have to feel guilty if i don't get hired on.

I'm bummed. I don't want to feel like this again - lost, without a place to ground me. Having a job took the pressure off from the bar, it let me know that no matter what, I would be somewhere safe, happy, and where I would be appreciated. Things were good, for a while, and now i am afraid. I was much more upset Friday. WHen i got home jarrod took me to dinner and spent some time on me, and that was nice. I've calmed down. I've relaxed a little.

I think about death valley, the quietest place on earth. I imagine how clear the stars must be and how silent it is at night, and it relaxes me.

I called home and my mom starts in about what she's doing with my sister. And I just wanted to tell them about my work situation, but I know they mean well. It just leaves me feeling misunderstood and less than loved. I know they love me, just... god sometimes you really are alone when you feel out of control.

I haven't studied a wink since thursday - I'm just sick thinking about it. Everything's falling apart.