I want to update everyone and see what people think about this issue.

The Fish

Now I realize this is coming out of my own point and view and therefore is not entirely reliable as to being unbiased, but keep in mind i know how to be neutral and I'm going to do my best to put that forward.

In 1967, my dad gave my grandfather a fish tank. My grandfather and grandmother were not warm people, and they didn't have good social skills. Grandpa was the child of a farmer in wellston Missouri. His dad died when he was 15 years old of emphasema. His mother raised him, his two brothers and two sisters while cleaning houses until she met grandpa's stepdad, a man who worked for an oil company and moved the family to New York.

My grandpa eventually settled on kissing fish as his fish of choice. Apparently these fish live for ridiculuosly long periods of time. My grandmother, a compulsive worrier and criticizer, tried to get him to get rid of the fish her entire time after that. But she lost the battle, and he only gave the fish up when they went into a nursing home in 2000, unable to care for themselves alone anymore.

My sister took the two remaining fish for her tank - one was 21 and one was 17.

In time, the older one died. My sister's animal menagerie increased to a cat, a dog, several other fish, and a hamster. It was a ton of work, no doubt. Then, my sister became pregnant with her and her husband's first child, a daughter.

I live in California with my husband, no where near the family. I come home often and stay with my sister or parents, depending on who wants me. My niece was born, the dog and the hamster died, and my sister and her husband adopted a new puppy who is a ton and a half of work. My niece is a wonderful child with a great temperament, but all babies are a lot of work.

When I visited last, my sister confessed she was "trying to kill" grandpa's fish because she couldn't handle all the upkeep. She wanted to sell the tank, as they could use the money and it was a huge chore. Despite my begging her not to kill it, she seemed noncommittal. So I asked my husband's cousin to adopt the fish, as she only had two left. I called her on easter morning and after a big fight, she put the fish in a pot and hauled them out to me, and my husband and i brought the fish to my husband's cousin.

The fish is fine.

My sister and I are not.

Dawn is furious with me. That morning she was livid, and she screamed at me that I couldn't care less about my neice Amanda and that I'm selfish and care too much about animals. My mom overheard, called her on the phone and they got into an argument. I was upstairs crying and was not involved in that conversation. I was hurt though, and I wrote her this email:

"I understand from Mom that you may be going through a rough time right now.
I don't pretend to know a lot about what raising a child is like; what all
the tough times are like that you may be going through. Everything I know
about children I know from watching you with Amanda so far.

But I have to tell you; I feel extremely hurt and sad when you say that I
don't care about Amanda because I love her insanely much. I look at her
beautiful face and all I can do is feel sentimental and attached, loving and
yet nervous for how to make sure everything is just right so she can grow
and be safe. I can't believe anyone or anything that precious could possibly
be in our family, something new and special and wonderful... and truly, she
is the best behaved child I have ever known of, the happiest child I know.

I could be wrong, but it seemed like you were picking a fight with me, and
I'm sad to say I don't even think YOU believe that it's true that I don't
care about amanda. I make sure I spend time with you when I come home so I
can be around you, sure, but also to be around her. She's really special to
me and there's not much I wouldn't do to spoil her and make her happy and
laugh. When I stayed with you I played with her, held her, talked to her,
and helped you get her in and out of the car.

I think you looked for the flaws in how I am towards her - that I don't feed
or change her (frankly, I consider that one of the benefits of being the
aunt - all of the fun and none of the chores!) in order to have something to
attack me with. You were angry, maybe I put you in an embarrassing situation
with the fish. I don't know. But you don't realize that I care about you, I
love you, and in the last few years I feel bonded to you. When you hurt me
on purpose, which you did today.. I could hear you thinking of what to say
to PURPOSEFULLY hurt me... you break my heart. You ruin our relationship.
Don't you realize that I trust you now? That I believe in you? That I look
up to you? Why would you want to be so cruel to me?

I went upstairs and cried after our call. I'm crying now. I'm sure you will
respond angrily because you are probably still angry about something. But I
don't think that something has ANYTHING to do with me. And that's not fair -
that you would try to hurt me to get your rage out about something else.

The fish - the fish is a stupid thing. All it was, was that to me, it was a
little piece of grandpa. I'm sentimental about the family. THAT INCLUDES
AMANDA. I don't know why I feel that way, but when it comes to family I get
really mushy and attached. I know they weren't always good to us, but I
liked grandpa and he had that fish for 17 years. Isn't that worth something?
If you didn't want to keep him, I thought I was doing you a FAVOR by helpig
you get rid of him, giving him a good home, and letting you sell the fish
tank and rid yourself of another chore. Honestly, that is where I was coming
from with that. That's all.

I don't know what more you want me to do. I love our relationship for the
last few years. You have been there for me countless times and I'd like to
think I've shown you how much I care about you, or at very least how proud I
am of what you have done with your life. You are an excellent mother, I told
you that. I would be lucky to be as good as you are at being a mom. Look, I
know I seem aloof and distant, but it's not Amanda - I've always been that
way AROUND YOU! It has nothing to do with your child. It's you. You
intimidate me, you scare me. I'm afraid to let you in because in the past,
when I did, you would hurt me. I'm afraid even now that you will respond to
this letter with anger and rage and won't see it as what it is, me reaching
out to you and trying to tell you that I love you, I love Amanda, and I
don't understand why you deliberately tried to pick a fight with me today.
If you respond in a way that will allow us to keep talking and is honest and
fair, I know our relationship will survive this and will improve... we'll be
better sisters. Please let's talk about this. Tell me what's wrong -- why
are you so angry lately? WHat's going on? Is there anything I can do?"


---

So I wait a few days. Nothing. I called home and my sister is over my parents' house with the baby. So I tell my dad to ask her to read her email, so it doesn't get deleted (this is hotmail, so it would be.) A few hours later, the reply:

"I had seen your e-mail on Tuesday, but chose not to respond at that time.
Now I am being told by Mommy, daddy and you to read my e-mail. I really was
not ready to respond, but I suppose I have to now or I won't hear the end of
it. I would prefer if this issue was dropped.

My issue of what happened is the following: you stayed at my house and
complained several times that I not let the fish die and save it. The fish
was being fed, what more should I do. Clean the tank weekly? I had asked a
fish specialist what to do. I have spent hundreds in the last six months on
that tank. Its a fish, plain and simple. I have more important things to do
all day long.

I do not need to be criticized by you or anyone. That is what you did and
made it worse by calling an hour before I was to leave for Mommy's house
asking for the fish. I was trying to get Amanda up from a nap, dress her,
feed her, etc. and you wanted me to try and net a fish. You have no idea
what I do all day: Amanda, Oliver, cooking, washing clothes and dishes,
etc... And you have the nerve to criticize me a bout a fish. Get a life! I
don't expect you to understand what my life is, as I do not pretend about
yours, but don't you dare try to guilt me into a stupid fish! And then to
have mommy call me?! How old are we? 10? I need her getting on me like a
hole in the head.

I know you care about Amanda, and thank you for the gifts, but it really
made me mad that you could be in my house and complain about the fish, but
not do some of the tough stuff with Amanda. I don't expect you to do those
things with her, but then don't say silly things to me about a fish. I also
do not believe that you were trying to help me out. I don't believe a word
about grandpa either. Don't sentimentalize something that was never there. I
think you have been gone too long if you think he cared about us. None of
them did or do.

I am sure you will not like this e-mail, as I did not like yours, so let's
let this go."


------------------

So I'm pissed. I figure... What do I do now? She calls me a liar (says she doesn't believe that I was trying to help her out or that I was sentimental about grandpa), don't help out with amanda, and that I need to get a life. And accuses me of siccing my mom on her, which simply is not true.

My dad calls me, and I tell him I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. I told him what she said about me and asked for advice.

He says.. you know what, Karen? We don't like to take sides, but what's wrong is wrong, and you aren't wrong. If I were you, I'd tell her to grow up.

So I did.

"After reading this, where you call me a liar and tell me to get a life, it's
clear you need to grow the hell up before we can ever have a relationship.
When you're ready to be mature, you know my number. Hopefully by then you
won't be such a self-centered egomaniac to assume that everything everyone
has to say to you is a criticism.
And by the way -- I never asked mom to call you. She did that on her own
after overhearing how much of a bitch you were being."

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So she calls me and says -- you are taking everything out of context and owe me an apology! I can't believe she wants an APOLOGY from ME when SHE was being so intentionally mean to me! When she's the one picking a fight and hurting me, on purpose!
So. I got mad, told her I'd talk to her when she matures, and hung up on her.

My question is this. Am I wrong here? I don't feel wrong, but I want people, unbiased, to tell me the truth. I don't feel like letting this go, I'm angry.