Fuck. I'm annoyed.

Walked in today and got called into a "meeting." Basically, a you fucked up meeting. Both things were things I could not have predicted or known I did wrong, it was poor workmanship (by coworkers) on one and lack of experience managing (by me) on the other. Boss isn't mad but I feel like I let him down. And now I hear him saying things that sound like he's lost some faith, and I need to reprove it. That bugs me to no end. His trust is not misplaced, and I feel angry at myself and at the situation that he's lost some.

Not to mention, shit's just weird for me. I'm.. easily distracted and losing myself a lot. Sitting in the car much longer than I plan to, stopping and looking at flowers or trees.. like an "oo shiny" thing. And then I come out of it and I'm confused. I feel so sad...

I just feel alone about my sister thing, and I've decided to let it go. I know that sounds stupid, but Fernando mentioned a myth to me.. Sisyphus. That was the guy who kept pushing the boulder up a hill and it kept rolling down over and over. Our lives are meaningless and have no values other than those we create...

Why do I keep pushing the boulder of my sister up the hill with forgiveness, just to have it roll back down? Because of the meaning I have given this meaningless toil. It doesn't matter the end result. Just the meaning I find in doing it.

I get it, Fernando. I get what you were trying to say. If I hate myself for not forgiving her, then there is no point in letting the boulder just sit there. I need to forgive her, to push it up the hill again. What complex advice you give me - spiritual.

Sadness. Staring at my husband's shoulders in bed. I feel like he's not really there. He's frustrated and disconnected from me but doesn't know it. I wonder what is keeping him sustained in life. It's not me.

I sit there quietly at my computer, not doing anything, just listening to him on teamspeak chatting and laughing. And I wonder what I want. I know I want someone to care and ask me questions that make me feel understood and help me understand myself. Otherwise I may just end up lost more than I am now... which is pretty damn lost.