I'm feeling extremely sad today. I slept normally, got up and had some vanilla tea, which I'm enjoying now with a candle and soft music. Looking at the daylight just kills me. I feel so useless. I'm completely screwed up on how to handle the bar. I hate the idea of committing financially to barbri again when it was my fault I didn't follow through with it to begin with. I really want a schedule, I don't want to be the adult in this situation. I can think of nothing harder about being an adult than having to be a grown up and face your own mistakes with aplomb and humility.

Jarrod was great about it. I appreciate it, but I don't think he can alleviate my guilt and shame over fucking up like this. It's totally not my normal MO.

Sherri told me she misses talking to me. I think she's not missing much. I'm so caught up in grumpy frustration I can barely talk to anyone without snapping or making snide comments. I simply don't know what to do. Even calling barbri today and listening to a sales pitch really, really won't help. I know that. I just want to be able to feel proud, or at least at ease, with myself, and right now I can't do that.