Sooooo.. yesterday the results showed up. I did poorly on the MBE (multiple choice) and one essay - corporations. I'm going to start looking for a tutor. I'm not taking chances this time. I missed it by about 30 points. I have no idea how good or bad that is. We went out to Chin Chin last night - that's our not-so-local chinese place where everybody knows us. Chatted with the manager for like, 45 minutes. Nice guy. It kinda gave me perspective again after reading the stupid results. It was like, hey, results schmezults, what matters is what you are all about, not some numbers. It's nice to remember that.

Unfortunately the calm comes and goes. Usually I feel ok, sometimes I feel like a lazy, fat, ugly loser who is spoiled. I'm sure that's a normal reaction to not succeeding at something. I'm trying to look at it objectively and distance myself from those negative instincts -- guilt serves no useful purpose if you are already planning to change. People don't have to rely on a guilty conscience to do the right thing, I truly believe that in my head, but my heart is superstitious and thinks.. oh man, if I don't feel guilty, I'll NEVER work hard enough!

But I refuse to get obsessed.. it's not healthy, no matter how effective it is. I saw people my whole life using that as a tool. Yeah, it does work -- but god, it's just not right to ruin your mental health like that simply to lose weight, or pass a test, or whatever. I am sure I can find another way.. I pray I can, anyway...

I started playing X-2... it's VERY weird and a tiny bit offensive. Why is it that the three girls have to use - I kid you not - OUTFIT CHANGES in order to change skills? Why not have them talk about nailpolish and going to the mall, and just make it complete? At least it's fun, but i'm going to have to grind exp or use gameshark in order to get past some things.

My sleeping pattern is all fucked up again. I know it's because the bar results knocked me for a loop and really upset me.. I cope by sleeping..

Jarrod and i have so much we need to catch up on.. but I think about it and all of a sudden i get a stress headache. I need to be stronger. I need to be less lazy. I need strength and drive and willpower.