I would like to point out that today has been an absolutely crappy day. I woke up this morning at an ungodly early hour with an anxiety attack over the state of my apartment, of all things. Yeah, it's messy, but we're looking into getting a maid to come once a month - I think both Jarrod and I are out of our league cleaning this place. I simply do not have the energy required to scrub it head to toe and reorganize it. Anyway, then I ended up sleeping most of the day because my sleeping patterns are screwed. Fine, whatever. Jarrod and I go out to pick up some toothpaste at the drug store, since the supermarkets are still closed.. and his brakes give out at the local rite aid. We're stranded. I start giving suggestions and he starts... for lack of better words, fuming and despairing. Every suggestion is met with a "no-hope" response and anger. I lost my temper and stormed off.. started to walk home. He followed me and I guess we got into our first real married argument.

He pointed out we should be acting like a team, and I guess that hit home with me. I know we should, and usually we do. I can't explain why I was reacting more strongly to his behavior than usual. I've seen it before with his computer malfunctioning and I should have known it wasn't aimed at me, even so I felt.. misused a little, mistreated.

Finally, we go into rite aid and tell them our car is stranded and we'll be leaving it until tomorrow. They were fine with that. Across the street was a taxi carpark so we grabbed one to come home. When we got here, I was so stressed I just fell asleep. So of course our night was shot, any work I had planned to do was shot. Now he has to take tomorrow off to get the car taken care of, and I have a job fair so he wants me to take my car for that instead of letting him go to work. I'm a nervous wreck about everything and feeling way too shy to do this. I've gotten into a place where I just don't interact much with people and I'm scared of going there and acting like a fool, doing what I did last time which was eat some cheese and fruit and stand there looking stupid. I don't know if I want to be near the center, either. If I stop in to say hello, I know I'll have nightmares about it. I feel so useless, so unwanted as it is. And what if I fail the bar? I'll have wasted these months doing nothing, a huge gap in my resume (although I could say I was helping my sister with her first baby - a lie but a good one). On top of that I'll have depleted some of our savings and will have nothing to show for it, and I'll have to study for the bar again. I did my best on the last one, I don't see how I can improve... I've debated taking it in another state but that would mean jarrod would have to agree to that and I'm not so sure I see that happening.

God I wish I could do a life makeover, just get really hopped up on coffee and clean this place from top to bottom, get my life in order. I HATE myself recently.